Holy Hell That's Hysterical

Today, I sat down and started looking through which posts are read the most and which are read least. The posts read most are the funny ones. The posts that are serious or sad receive the least views. People prefer humor. I know I do.

It's easier to mask pain and sadness with humor. We're a culture that does not want to deal with anything uncomfortable or painful or serious or taboo or sad or any emotion that is not a happy one. We mask everything with humor. It is easier to laugh at a joke than to sit down and openly discuss the problem. It is a major problem in the US when it comes to rape. We make rape jokes, but we can't discuss it openly to actually solve the problem. So, instead, we just laugh and brush it off like it's nothing. Stripping doesn't even receive the "problem" status. There are so many problems in the world of stripping. Problems that need to be changed, that could be changed, that won't be changed. Because it is a legal profession all over in the US it is not deemed a problem, not like prostitution. Stripping has the same problems that prostitution does, but we refuse to talk about that problem, and we refuse to acknowledge there is a problem with stripping. Stripping is everywhere in today's culture. It covers TV and film and music and bachelor parties. It is shoved in people's faces everyday and desensitizes people to the reality of the profession and the reality of these women's lives. Stripping has become one big joke in and of itself. It does not receive the respect and attention it deserves. For as prevalent a place as it holds in our society it is completely and totally unknown and disrespected. We cover up how uncomfortable or in pain we are with humor. I know I do it far more than I should. 

Laugh at the stripper jokes, they're funny. But the funniest ones are made by strippers because we know the truth behind them. Next time you laugh at a joke made at the expense of a rape survivor, a stripper, a prostitute just think about the reality of that joke and ask yourself is this really funny?

My Frustrations

With as much as I've been working I'm compiling a very, very long list of things that frustrate me. Last night was terrible. I worked a double and made $550. This is not bad money. More than I would make in two weeks working minimum wage. Keeping it in perspective: normally I can make this much money on a Wednesday before nine at night. Anyways. Working nights frustrates me. For so many reasons.

Young guys frustrate me. They travel in groups. They like to try to bargain for dances. They want to try and find the best "deal" for their money.

This is what happened. A young guy, sitting in a group asked me to come over. I sat down next to him. He said he'd give me a private dance if I'd give him my underwear. My underwear cost more than a private dance does. Dancer's underwear aren't cheap. Then he wanted to try and get me to give him a "taste" of what a private dance is. He wanted me to do a table dance for three dollars. I don't do them for less than five. He wanted me to give him a private dance with the money he gave me while I was on stage because it was still his money.

Uptight women frustrate me. They like to drain the fun out of everyone with them. They judge the strippers. They try to make everyone feel bad around them for being at a strip club. 

I was told to go down to the second stage after my first set. There were six people down there. Three men and three women. They were in their late forties, early fifties. I found out they were three married couples. When one of the guys told his friend "Go put a dollar up there for her" because no one was paying me at this point in time. The one woman decided to glare at me and yell at her husband "If your ass gets out of that chair, I will divorce you so fast."

Most of the night shift dancers frustrate me. They talk crap about everyone. They want to hurt everyone's feelings. They try to steal customers away from someone else. 


The girls were talking crap about a very good friend of mine. They were saying that she lets guys stick their finger up her asshole. This is not true. They told one girl, who is very sweet and is self-conscious of her stretch marks, that she was an ugly fat bitch that doesn't know how to dress herself. I have a regular that comes in and only sees me. He only spends money on me. Several girls have gone up to him and told him that they can do things for him that I can't. That's tame in comparison. I've had girls steal hour-long VIP's from other girls.

Old men that think they're hot shit frustrate me. They try to get more than what they can. They try to convince girls to do things for them.


I had one guy a week ago that knew about my trip to London. He is older and thinks he's pretty amazing. He decided to ask it in this way first "Well, I was wondering if you wanted to get together with me outside of here, so that I could give you a couple hundred dollars for your trip." I don't do that. While in private dance he said "You know I meant we would do this outside of the club. Nothing illegal." I told him "Getting together outside of the club means lets go to coffee and I'll give you money for your company. You're a complete idiot if I would go anywhere private enough to do this with you or anyone else."

I'm frustrated after rehashing all of this.

Save Me!!!

"You're the embodiment of all evil in the world."

"You need to find yourself a good country boy who will take care of you, and get you out of this place."

"God will save you, and forgive you this sin."

"You're too pretty to work here. You deserve to be taken care of."

"God is always watching. He always loves you. He is forgiving."

"You seem like you're a smart lady. You could do so much more."

"Go into debt. You'll eventually make enough money to pay it off. You shouldn't work here, it's an evil place."

"Your body is sacred."

"You need to find God. Your life will be empty without Him. You will be stuck in this hell hole for all of eternity because of your sin against God. You are continuing a cycle of adultery. You should be at home with a man that loves you."

Always followed by:

"So, would you like to go have a private dance?"

HYPOCRITES

I'm no saint. And I know there are many things that I am hypocritical about. But really! Come on! I would understand if they came in just to "save" us girls, but wanting a lap dance too. That's just not okay.

I do not want to be nor need to be saved. My relationship to God or lack there of is no business of the men at the strip club. Leave me alone! I'm just trying to pay for college. I'm minding my own business, so should they!

They're trying to save me.

I need to be saved from them!

Behind the Stripper Pole

I work day shifts at the club because it allows me to have a social life, get my homework done, sleep, eat. You know important things. But because I work the day shift, there is a lot of down time...

No one ever really thinks strippers have down time. Usually there is a two hour period between 6:30 and 8:30 when it is really dead. Today there was a total of ZERO people at the club at 6:00. All the older people are at home with their families. The young crowd isn't ready to go out yet.

So what do we do?

Most days, up in the dressing room, we gossip about who got arrested. Who got knocked up by which bouncer. What regular wanted to do what? with his what? Complain about never having enough money. Talk about our boyfriends, husbands, or kids. Sometimes we go onto fourth stage and practice pole tricks, or have dance parties. Some girls do shots. When I have homework I am sitting up in the dressing room working on that.

Then there are the days where there's an attitude in the air and no one wants to sit still.

Freedom of speech is something we, Americans, hold dear to our hearts. In the stripping world there is an even greater freedom. Combine this with little to no judgement, and that leads to some interesting conversations.

Being a stripper at an all nude club leads to anatomical discoveries. For one, I now know what fake boobs feel like. I also know the difference between "good" fake boobs, and "bad" fake boobs. Before stripping, I never knew that some vaginas are cute and some are really ugly.

Several months ago, on a very boring day, there were six girls sitting around upstairs in the dressing room. One of them was sitting naked, cross-legged on the counter facing the mirror. She was looking at her vagina in the mirror when she asked "do I have a cute vagina?" We all looked up as she hopped off the counter saying "I was just wondering." We all gathered in a circle. Underwear started coming off as we began to look at our own vaginas and those of our friends. As one of the girls bent over to take a closer look she stood up and said "I like yours. Your lips are tight and the same color as the rest of my skin. I have an ugly vagina. Mine looks like hamburger, and I haven't even had kids yet." We all took a closer look. Strippers have a brutally, harsh honesty policy when it comes to their friends. We all agreed "yeah, yours isn't attractive, but luckily your boobs make up for it." We all had our turn with an inspection and judgement to see if it was a cute one or an ugly one.

I don't remember the conversation, but I was teasing a friend as I was getting ready to leave for the night. We had both taken off our work "clothes" and were putting them away. After I made a great joke at her expense, she put on her sad-puppy-dog face. I laughed and right as the music completely died down I yelled "Let's naked hug it out!" Everyone in the club heard. There was an applause and an immediate chant of "Yeah, naked hug!" The DJ came into the dressing room and gave a narration of the event.

Today at work, my friend and I were getting ready for the shift. She was topless and looking at her boobs in the mirror "my nipples are changing and its weird." I walked over and looked. After a moment "You're right they are changing, that one is way pinker than the other one." She looked at me "I know they used to be really pale and now, they're bright pink. And they're so hot" as she grabbed her boob. I reached out and felt for myself. "Yep, they are unusually warm."

Pretty much if you're a stripper there is no privacy and no personal space. We often feel each other up, for many different reasons.