Pieces

I feel like my life is falling to pieces.

A few days ago Jamie's best friend shot himself. I've known his friend for about a year and a half. We clicked the first time we met and had become pretty close friends. Jamie isn't talking to me about any of it. He would rather get drunk with his friends then deal with it with me. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I don't think getting drunk is the best response to this.

I feel like my relationship is crumbling. We haven't been doing great for the past several months, and with everything we're going through right now it is all coming out. Jamie and I have planned on marriage and kids for a long time. It's hard because he's the one that said forever. Now it turns out that he's not sure if that is going to happen. He still loves me, but he doesn't know if I'm his future. It turns out he started feeling this way awhile ago. He looks at me differently and acts differently around me. He's growing more and more distant, and I feel like I can't do anything about any of it. It all started when he stopped caring if I went to work or not.

It kills me. He doesn't care, and I do. Everyday I walk in there I cry. I lock myself in the bathroom and cry. It's hard not to. I would do anything to quit, but I know there isn't any way I can quit right now. Jamie thinks that if I'd never started I would never had to. No matter what, I would have had to make a lot of money a year, more than I could doing anything else.

I feel like everything is my fault and I know there is nothing I can possibly do. I just have to sit back and watch my life fall apart knowing there is nothing I can do to make it better.

On the Down and Out

Being a stripper is getting harder and harder. The money is slowly getting worse and it isn't getting any better. People always think: Stripper = Lots of Money. Well it's getting worse. It's getting slower and slower. The biggest reason why I make money is because I have regulars I call in. But the money is getting worse and work is getting slower.

I need to make as much money as possible in the next few months to a year, so that I can quit. I want to be done in one year. I want this so that I can have one year of normal college life. Also so that I'm not wasting my time working as a stripper making less money than I should.

I'm guessing that stripping will always be a way to make money. It will always be a place to go because it is "taboo" or a bachelor party destination. The days of really good money are coming to an end. I think this is a combination of the recession, and internet porn. Damnit. Porn is ruining my life.

Work Is RUINING My Life!!!!!

So I have decided that my job is ruining my life. (Other than the psychological and emotional distress I experience every day of my life.)

There's this guy that I danced for once or twice a week for about six months. Really nice guy, sometimes brought his wife in. Anyways I haven't seen him in about two months cause I hate working Tuesdays. He was a fix-it-guy for a college half an hour from my school. Well turns out he got a new job... He is now one of the campus fix-it-guys at MY college. All the fix-it-guys have lunch with the students! Yay... I see him everyday at lunch. Gee my life's awesome. Not to mention I see him twice a week at the library and because I work at the circ desk right in front of the door and part of my job is saying 'hello' to everyone I have to be nice and greet him. 

Last weekend I went to the midnight premiere of Taken 2 (which is awesome by the way... it's not possible for Liam Neeson to be in a bad movie). I went with two of my friends and we had a good time. Except for the fact that at the theater a guy I know from work was there, who has a crush on me and wanted to ask me to prom six months ago... yes, he just graduated from high school. Instead of doing the smile-nod thing you do to people you know but don't want to talk to he walks right up to me and my friends and starts in on a very awkward 15 minute conversation... I could not get away from him. I would try and he'd follow. 

Oh my God!!! Work is ruining my life. It follows me everywhere. No escaping it. I have worked there too long if I am constantly running into people I know and they feel that they know me well enough to come and talk to me... And my friends!!!! 

FUCK.

In Relation to Yesterday's Post

So yesterday I was complaining about my uterus causing me pain... Guess what!!! It hasn't stopped. No in fact it has gotten worse. I'm still thinking about ripping my uturus out, but now I have expanded that to include my ovaries as well. Two internal organs that are completely useless.

When I tell people this they always say something to the effect of "You won't regret it when you hold your babies in your arms for the first time." (Please include a very soft, feminine, nurturing voice. Something akin to... nothing like mine.) My response is always "I'm sure. If I wanted children."

When I've looked forward to my life it's never included children surrounding me in the picture. I love children sure, but do I want them. Not really. I love babysitting them, playing with them, and then handing them off to their parents. To me kids say a lot of work, time, effort, and selflessness. I sound like a terrible person when I say 'I am all about me.' But I am. I have never had the desire to live my life for someone else, and the moment you become a parent that is exactly what you (should) do. I have things that I want to do and accomplish and children get in the way and hinder me from doing that. People always say 'You'll change your mind when you get older.' People have always said that to me, and so far it hasn't happened. People tend to think that because I'm a woman I innately want children. Wrong. My friends think it's because I don't want to ruin my body by being pregnant. Wrong. I think that would be the cool part about being a mom, the rest not cool. My friends tell me 'don't worry you can adopt'... Except for the fact that it will still have the same ending. Me with children.

To make matters worse my whole life is filled with people that want nothing more than to be parents. All my good friends want children. I have a hard time understanding why. On an intellectual level I get. Emotionally, no way.

To make matters worse Jamie wants kids. That stereotype that girls are the ones that want kids and girls have to talk guys into wanting them.Total crap. Every guy I've ever dated wants to be a dad. I don't get it! But because I want to keep Jamie in my life forever I am going to have children. My theory is that I will love them once I have them. But up until that point they seem like a waste of time to me.

I think that borders on heartless, but true.

I still want to rip out all my girly parts.

Work.Period.Pain.Gross

Here's my latest problem. I haven't worked in over a month because I hate my job.

The longer you stay away from the club the harder it is to go back. I've been putting it off for a month. I need to go in because rent has to be paid today. Well the check won't be cashed until tomorrow or Saturday so I should be fine. I have resigned myself to going into work today for a double... Yay thirteen hours. My big problem is the fact that my period just kicked in, two days early, and it's a rager. I'm sitting at the library right now trying to concentrate on my book for tonights homework and all I can think about is ripping out my uterus and replacing it with something more convenient like an extra kidney or liver. My legs hurt. My back hurts. My stomache hurts. And this period seems to be one that is also giving me a migraine. I don't like it and I want it to stop.

If I just had to go to work it would be fine. I could deal with that. But my PERIOD too! NO I disagree. Life should not put both work and period on me at the same time. It's too much. I don't want to go to that place and I sure as fuck don't want my period to down the day even more!

Oh and I'm missing homecoming festivities because of my crap job.