The school year is almost done. I have a week and a half left before summer starts. And summer will be almost exactly four months long. In that four months I want to work and make enough money to quit. I am tired of working. I am tired of being a stripper. I'm tired of feeling like shit. I'm tired of feeling less than.
I want to be done October first to save my sanity.
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
Monday, April 29, 2013
Monday, April 15, 2013
On My Way Home
So I worked my ass off. And then I took a nice little vacation to visit a friend in San Diego. Where I got to sit on the beach, eat junk food, watch movies, and do absolutely NOTHING!!! The only two bad things about my nice five day vacation, or as I like to call it my runaway from reality, was a) I got very seriously sun burnt (hurts like a bitch) and b) passed out twice in the same night giving me a huge bump on the back of my head and a large gash on my forehead. Yeah! Vacation!
Work before I left was absolutely, terrifically, stunningly shitty. The amount of money I made in eight days I should, or at least USED to, have made in two maybe three. So it's terrible. The only comfort I had was I did WAY better than everyone else. Sorry had to be a little snide.
Now as I come home from vacation the fact that I got sun-burnt is usually not that big of an issue for most people. Fortunately for me I don't have a "most" people kind of job. I have a job that pretty much solely relies on the goods meaning my face and body. SO I have this huge gash on my forehead. That'll be fun to explain to everyone. No worries I can dance fine, I just pass the fuck out when I stand up. No big deal. Those incredibly visible tan lines? You don't like those. What??? How to fix this problem. Well I'll be styling my hair in a new and unique way to cover up my gash. As for the tan lines, lets just pray tanning lotion applied just to the boobs, ass, and vagina looks similar to a real tan!
We'll see how this goes.
My short reality runaway was wonderful otherwise. It couldn't have come at a better time. Unfortunately for me I'm sitting in LAX feeling very sad that I have to leave that beautiful, beautiful beach. And so very sad at the fact that I'm on the red eye. At least I've become a pro at these allnighters!
Work before I left was absolutely, terrifically, stunningly shitty. The amount of money I made in eight days I should, or at least USED to, have made in two maybe three. So it's terrible. The only comfort I had was I did WAY better than everyone else. Sorry had to be a little snide.
Now as I come home from vacation the fact that I got sun-burnt is usually not that big of an issue for most people. Fortunately for me I don't have a "most" people kind of job. I have a job that pretty much solely relies on the goods meaning my face and body. SO I have this huge gash on my forehead. That'll be fun to explain to everyone. No worries I can dance fine, I just pass the fuck out when I stand up. No big deal. Those incredibly visible tan lines? You don't like those. What??? How to fix this problem. Well I'll be styling my hair in a new and unique way to cover up my gash. As for the tan lines, lets just pray tanning lotion applied just to the boobs, ass, and vagina looks similar to a real tan!
We'll see how this goes.
My short reality runaway was wonderful otherwise. It couldn't have come at a better time. Unfortunately for me I'm sitting in LAX feeling very sad that I have to leave that beautiful, beautiful beach. And so very sad at the fact that I'm on the red eye. At least I've become a pro at these allnighters!
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Pain Tolerance
It has been months since I last have written a post. Although it has been at least two months since I worked last.
I have two hours and fifty minutes until I have to get in my car and drive the seventeen minutes to work. I should stay and work a double, but I have decided that six hours will be more than enough for my first day back. I have to go in again tomorrow, and the day after that, and almost every day until April 10th.
Why April 10th? Because I need a vacation. I need to get away. I need to be somewhere no one knows me or wants to talk to me. I need to be alone. So I am going to Coronado, where I will sit on a beach and read a book for five days.
I'm dreading going in to work today. I hate it every day I go, but it has been two months and the longer you are away the harder it is to go back.
This morning I realized I have a fairly high pain tolerance. I got out of the shower and I was drying my hair. I looked down at the floor and saw a pool of blood. Somewhere between getting out of the shower and drying my hair I hit my leg on something. I looked at my leg and saw a big gash and blood running down the side of my leg and pooling on the floor.
I have a high pain tolerance physically...
Right now I just can't bare the thought of returning to that hell-hole in two hours and forty-four minutes...
I have two hours and fifty minutes until I have to get in my car and drive the seventeen minutes to work. I should stay and work a double, but I have decided that six hours will be more than enough for my first day back. I have to go in again tomorrow, and the day after that, and almost every day until April 10th.
Why April 10th? Because I need a vacation. I need to get away. I need to be somewhere no one knows me or wants to talk to me. I need to be alone. So I am going to Coronado, where I will sit on a beach and read a book for five days.
I'm dreading going in to work today. I hate it every day I go, but it has been two months and the longer you are away the harder it is to go back.
This morning I realized I have a fairly high pain tolerance. I got out of the shower and I was drying my hair. I looked down at the floor and saw a pool of blood. Somewhere between getting out of the shower and drying my hair I hit my leg on something. I looked at my leg and saw a big gash and blood running down the side of my leg and pooling on the floor.
I have a high pain tolerance physically...
Right now I just can't bare the thought of returning to that hell-hole in two hours and forty-four minutes...
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Late Night
I've been up for almost 24 hours.
Jamie is in Florida right now. He's doing testing for the Marines. We always fall asleep together. Right now, I am completely incapable of falling asleep in our bed without him.
So, instead of sleeping I am watching the show Satisfaction. It's an Australian show about a brothel. I'm watching it and other than the fact the girl have sex, it's the same as my job. I like this show better than most portrayals of the sex industry because it's real.
I'm going in to work tomorrow for my first double since July. It won't be fun, but I have to work more often than I have been. It will especially suck because I fell and fucked up my knee... Knee's are really important when you're dancing.
Jamie is in Florida right now. He's doing testing for the Marines. We always fall asleep together. Right now, I am completely incapable of falling asleep in our bed without him.
So, instead of sleeping I am watching the show Satisfaction. It's an Australian show about a brothel. I'm watching it and other than the fact the girl have sex, it's the same as my job. I like this show better than most portrayals of the sex industry because it's real.
I'm going in to work tomorrow for my first double since July. It won't be fun, but I have to work more often than I have been. It will especially suck because I fell and fucked up my knee... Knee's are really important when you're dancing.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Best Intentions
I had the best intentions of going into work today.
Jamie and I have been together long enough that we don't really have individual possessions anymore. We both own both of our cars which doesn't seem like a problem. Except for the fact that I never bring my dancing stuff into the house. I keep it in the trunk of "my" car. This morning Jamie took "my" car, which is the new car that has the best gas mileage. He usually works in the morning at Starbucks and then comes home over the few hours he has until he goes to his next job. I didn't realize that he didn't have a long enough lunch break to come. So he is at work with the car that has all my work stuff.
Unfortunately I can't go into work today. Damn...
That makes it a whole month since I've been into work. I'm not at all disappointed by this long sabbatical, I am however starting to get to that point where I need to make money again.
Oh well. I'll be going into work tomorrow, for sure... Probably...
Jamie and I have been together long enough that we don't really have individual possessions anymore. We both own both of our cars which doesn't seem like a problem. Except for the fact that I never bring my dancing stuff into the house. I keep it in the trunk of "my" car. This morning Jamie took "my" car, which is the new car that has the best gas mileage. He usually works in the morning at Starbucks and then comes home over the few hours he has until he goes to his next job. I didn't realize that he didn't have a long enough lunch break to come. So he is at work with the car that has all my work stuff.
Unfortunately I can't go into work today. Damn...
That makes it a whole month since I've been into work. I'm not at all disappointed by this long sabbatical, I am however starting to get to that point where I need to make money again.
Oh well. I'll be going into work tomorrow, for sure... Probably...
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Never Gonna Happen
I haven't written in awhile because I have been trying not to think about work. Writing about work when I'm banishing it from my mind doesn't help... at all.
Jamie and I have been going through a rough patch. Nothing too serious, but one that needed to be dealt with sans work. So I haven't gone in.
I am now writing because I am dealing with the fact that tomorrow I am going to work. Because I need to get my ass in gear and make money for bills. Yuck.
Anyways.
I took a non-fiction writing class last year where I wrote about my job extensively and it was cathartic. I didn't just write about my job, I wrote about me. It wasn't supposed to be a memoir class, but I turned it into one. What can I say I'm egocentric. (If you haven't guessed that already. I have blog entirely devoted to myself. I'd say that's a bit more than egocentric, probably closer to completely self-centered.) I liked writing about my past and my issues. It helped me process them, and my classmates were shocked by some of the things I said. I like getting things out there to be talked about. Especially the things people don't want to, or don't like to talk about. I want to call everything and everyone out and say these things happen to people. It's not just something you hear on the news. These things happened to me! You know me! They're awful things and painful things. Let's talk about it. Let's change this, so that your daughter, sister, brother, nephew, cousin doesn't have to go through it.
My professor was visiting the college just for that class. She is an author who writes memoirs.
My professor from this class pulled me aside and told me that I had a voice. I had a voice that had something to say. She asked me if I was going to write a book. I said "No, of course not." I had never thought about being a writer. I was a reader. I'm a literature major. Not a creative writing major. I'm a terrible writer. I get in front of a computer screen to write, or even a pad of paper, and I think "Well shit." The last day of class, after we were all finished, my professor pulled me aside again. She told me "You need to write that book. You may hate doing it, but you have to. You have no idea how important what you have to say is. No one has said it the way you are. Write that book. You may not know it yet, but you are a writer. People will know your name." I gave her a smile, and told her it was great getting to know her. The last thing she said to me as I walked out the door was "I'll read it someday. Write that book."
I left thinking. That's a novel idea. Never gonna happen.
Ever since then I have read more and more memoirs. I love them. Most of the people that write memoirs become famous first for something and then write a memoir telling their story of how they got there. Some of their stories are interesting. Some are pretty boring. My favorite memoirist is Aayan Hirsi Ali. I've read all of her books. If you don't know her, go look her up. Right now I'm reading Salmon Rushdie's new memoir. Very recently I read Firoozeh Dumas' memoir. Out of all them hers' got me thinking the most. Aayan Hirsi Ali and Salmon Rushdie are both extremely well known. They have both done incredible things and have experienced incredible hardships. Firoozeh Dumas' hasn't. At least in the context of most "incredible things." She has not had a fatwa put on her, or been a member of parliament. But she wrote a best selling memoir.
The last year ever since my professor told my to "write that book" I haven't been able to get it out of my head. Any time I thought seriously about it I have always thought 'where would I start? I don't know the first thing about writing a book. I only know analysis papers. Even if I wrote a book how would I even get it published. No one would be interested in it." Anyways. All of these things are still true.
An hour ago Jamie was sitting at the computer playing video games. I had just finished my third book this week and started in on Salmon Rushdie's memoir Joseph Anton when I was suddenly struck with exactly what I wanted to say in the prologue of my memoir. I don't know why or where it came from, but now an hour later I have three pages saying things that I have always wanted to say but never knew how. I don't know if it will ever be published or read by anyone but myself. What I do know is that I am writing THAT book.
Or at least I'm going to try.
Jamie and I have been going through a rough patch. Nothing too serious, but one that needed to be dealt with sans work. So I haven't gone in.
I am now writing because I am dealing with the fact that tomorrow I am going to work. Because I need to get my ass in gear and make money for bills. Yuck.
Anyways.
I took a non-fiction writing class last year where I wrote about my job extensively and it was cathartic. I didn't just write about my job, I wrote about me. It wasn't supposed to be a memoir class, but I turned it into one. What can I say I'm egocentric. (If you haven't guessed that already. I have blog entirely devoted to myself. I'd say that's a bit more than egocentric, probably closer to completely self-centered.) I liked writing about my past and my issues. It helped me process them, and my classmates were shocked by some of the things I said. I like getting things out there to be talked about. Especially the things people don't want to, or don't like to talk about. I want to call everything and everyone out and say these things happen to people. It's not just something you hear on the news. These things happened to me! You know me! They're awful things and painful things. Let's talk about it. Let's change this, so that your daughter, sister, brother, nephew, cousin doesn't have to go through it.
My professor was visiting the college just for that class. She is an author who writes memoirs.
My professor from this class pulled me aside and told me that I had a voice. I had a voice that had something to say. She asked me if I was going to write a book. I said "No, of course not." I had never thought about being a writer. I was a reader. I'm a literature major. Not a creative writing major. I'm a terrible writer. I get in front of a computer screen to write, or even a pad of paper, and I think "Well shit." The last day of class, after we were all finished, my professor pulled me aside again. She told me "You need to write that book. You may hate doing it, but you have to. You have no idea how important what you have to say is. No one has said it the way you are. Write that book. You may not know it yet, but you are a writer. People will know your name." I gave her a smile, and told her it was great getting to know her. The last thing she said to me as I walked out the door was "I'll read it someday. Write that book."
I left thinking. That's a novel idea. Never gonna happen.
Ever since then I have read more and more memoirs. I love them. Most of the people that write memoirs become famous first for something and then write a memoir telling their story of how they got there. Some of their stories are interesting. Some are pretty boring. My favorite memoirist is Aayan Hirsi Ali. I've read all of her books. If you don't know her, go look her up. Right now I'm reading Salmon Rushdie's new memoir. Very recently I read Firoozeh Dumas' memoir. Out of all them hers' got me thinking the most. Aayan Hirsi Ali and Salmon Rushdie are both extremely well known. They have both done incredible things and have experienced incredible hardships. Firoozeh Dumas' hasn't. At least in the context of most "incredible things." She has not had a fatwa put on her, or been a member of parliament. But she wrote a best selling memoir.
The last year ever since my professor told my to "write that book" I haven't been able to get it out of my head. Any time I thought seriously about it I have always thought 'where would I start? I don't know the first thing about writing a book. I only know analysis papers. Even if I wrote a book how would I even get it published. No one would be interested in it." Anyways. All of these things are still true.
An hour ago Jamie was sitting at the computer playing video games. I had just finished my third book this week and started in on Salmon Rushdie's memoir Joseph Anton when I was suddenly struck with exactly what I wanted to say in the prologue of my memoir. I don't know why or where it came from, but now an hour later I have three pages saying things that I have always wanted to say but never knew how. I don't know if it will ever be published or read by anyone but myself. What I do know is that I am writing THAT book.
Or at least I'm going to try.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Work Is RUINING My Life!!!!!
So I have decided that my job is ruining my life. (Other than the psychological and emotional distress I experience every day of my life.)
There's this guy that I danced for once or twice a week for about six months. Really nice guy, sometimes brought his wife in. Anyways I haven't seen him in about two months cause I hate working Tuesdays. He was a fix-it-guy for a college half an hour from my school. Well turns out he got a new job... He is now one of the campus fix-it-guys at MY college. All the fix-it-guys have lunch with the students! Yay... I see him everyday at lunch. Gee my life's awesome. Not to mention I see him twice a week at the library and because I work at the circ desk right in front of the door and part of my job is saying 'hello' to everyone I have to be nice and greet him.
Last weekend I went to the midnight premiere of Taken 2 (which is awesome by the way... it's not possible for Liam Neeson to be in a bad movie). I went with two of my friends and we had a good time. Except for the fact that at the theater a guy I know from work was there, who has a crush on me and wanted to ask me to prom six months ago... yes, he just graduated from high school. Instead of doing the smile-nod thing you do to people you know but don't want to talk to he walks right up to me and my friends and starts in on a very awkward 15 minute conversation... I could not get away from him. I would try and he'd follow.
Oh my God!!! Work is ruining my life. It follows me everywhere. No escaping it. I have worked there too long if I am constantly running into people I know and they feel that they know me well enough to come and talk to me... And my friends!!!!
FUCK.
There's this guy that I danced for once or twice a week for about six months. Really nice guy, sometimes brought his wife in. Anyways I haven't seen him in about two months cause I hate working Tuesdays. He was a fix-it-guy for a college half an hour from my school. Well turns out he got a new job... He is now one of the campus fix-it-guys at MY college. All the fix-it-guys have lunch with the students! Yay... I see him everyday at lunch. Gee my life's awesome. Not to mention I see him twice a week at the library and because I work at the circ desk right in front of the door and part of my job is saying 'hello' to everyone I have to be nice and greet him.
Last weekend I went to the midnight premiere of Taken 2 (which is awesome by the way... it's not possible for Liam Neeson to be in a bad movie). I went with two of my friends and we had a good time. Except for the fact that at the theater a guy I know from work was there, who has a crush on me and wanted to ask me to prom six months ago... yes, he just graduated from high school. Instead of doing the smile-nod thing you do to people you know but don't want to talk to he walks right up to me and my friends and starts in on a very awkward 15 minute conversation... I could not get away from him. I would try and he'd follow.
Oh my God!!! Work is ruining my life. It follows me everywhere. No escaping it. I have worked there too long if I am constantly running into people I know and they feel that they know me well enough to come and talk to me... And my friends!!!!
FUCK.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Work.Period.Pain.Gross
Here's my latest problem. I haven't worked in over a month because I hate my job.
The longer you stay away from the club the harder it is to go back. I've been putting it off for a month. I need to go in because rent has to be paid today. Well the check won't be cashed until tomorrow or Saturday so I should be fine. I have resigned myself to going into work today for a double... Yay thirteen hours. My big problem is the fact that my period just kicked in, two days early, and it's a rager. I'm sitting at the library right now trying to concentrate on my book for tonights homework and all I can think about is ripping out my uterus and replacing it with something more convenient like an extra kidney or liver. My legs hurt. My back hurts. My stomache hurts. And this period seems to be one that is also giving me a migraine. I don't like it and I want it to stop.
If I just had to go to work it would be fine. I could deal with that. But my PERIOD too! NO I disagree. Life should not put both work and period on me at the same time. It's too much. I don't want to go to that place and I sure as fuck don't want my period to down the day even more!
Oh and I'm missing homecoming festivities because of my crap job.
The longer you stay away from the club the harder it is to go back. I've been putting it off for a month. I need to go in because rent has to be paid today. Well the check won't be cashed until tomorrow or Saturday so I should be fine. I have resigned myself to going into work today for a double... Yay thirteen hours. My big problem is the fact that my period just kicked in, two days early, and it's a rager. I'm sitting at the library right now trying to concentrate on my book for tonights homework and all I can think about is ripping out my uterus and replacing it with something more convenient like an extra kidney or liver. My legs hurt. My back hurts. My stomache hurts. And this period seems to be one that is also giving me a migraine. I don't like it and I want it to stop.
If I just had to go to work it would be fine. I could deal with that. But my PERIOD too! NO I disagree. Life should not put both work and period on me at the same time. It's too much. I don't want to go to that place and I sure as fuck don't want my period to down the day even more!
Oh and I'm missing homecoming festivities because of my crap job.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Blog
Today I was supposed to go to work and I was going to. I have lots of health issues. Jamie decided that I needed to start taking vitamins. Well I took all of them about half an hour before going to work. Ten minutes later I felt absolutely terrible. Why? Well the multivitamin I took has zinc in it. I can't take zinc because I have a mild allergic reaction to it in large quantities. Suffice to say I couldn't go to work.
I'm feeling better now, not great but better. Anyways I came across this post from a blog:
http://jezebel.com/5938960/the-art-of-the-national-convention-strip-club-trend-piece?popular=true&post=52307562
I thought it was hilarious.
I agree with them. When you mention strip clubs or the fact that you're a stripper there is nothing but questions and interest. I've stopped bringing it up because people want to know what it's like and what happens behind closed doors. The question that always comes up is "So are most of the girls drug addicts/alcoholics?"
I'm not overly talkative today. I could say more, but I'm too damn tired.
I'm feeling better now, not great but better. Anyways I came across this post from a blog:
http://jezebel.com/5938960/the-art-of-the-national-convention-strip-club-trend-piece?popular=true&post=52307562
I thought it was hilarious.
I agree with them. When you mention strip clubs or the fact that you're a stripper there is nothing but questions and interest. I've stopped bringing it up because people want to know what it's like and what happens behind closed doors. The question that always comes up is "So are most of the girls drug addicts/alcoholics?"
I'm not overly talkative today. I could say more, but I'm too damn tired.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Work
I haven't been to work in almost a month because I was visiting my best friend, Vera. When I got home from that trip I had to go visit my parents. I had a whole 32 hours at home when I had to rush back to my families because my dad had to have emergency surgery. So in a whole month I've only been at home for a couple days. I haven't seen Jamie much. I should go into work today, but I wanted a moment to just be at home. There's cleaning that needs to be done, but all I can seem to do is watch movies. I did work at my other job this morning, so I'm not a total lazy ass.
It seems that even when I have a day off I can't seem to completely get away from work.
A guy that I know from work from several months back texted me. Somehow he got my phone number and decided to contact me. He wanted to know if I would get together with him outside of the club. He and his "girlfriend" just broke up. His "girlfriend" is a dancer that I know. I know for a fact they weren't dating. Men lie. They lie to me all the time about dating a dancer or sleeping with a dancer to try and convince me it's okay to meet them outside of work.
Any ways... It just gets old. I feel like I never actually have a day off. Somehow these guys get my phone number. Three girls have it and they wouldn't give it out and the club doesn't have it. So it beats the hell out of me how they get my number.
It seems that even when I have a day off I can't seem to completely get away from work.
A guy that I know from work from several months back texted me. Somehow he got my phone number and decided to contact me. He wanted to know if I would get together with him outside of the club. He and his "girlfriend" just broke up. His "girlfriend" is a dancer that I know. I know for a fact they weren't dating. Men lie. They lie to me all the time about dating a dancer or sleeping with a dancer to try and convince me it's okay to meet them outside of work.
Any ways... It just gets old. I feel like I never actually have a day off. Somehow these guys get my phone number. Three girls have it and they wouldn't give it out and the club doesn't have it. So it beats the hell out of me how they get my number.
Friday, July 27, 2012
What I Deserve
I have been back from London for ten days now. I have only been able to drag myself into work twice. It's hard. I really need to go in more. I have bills to pay. They have to get paid. I've been dealing with a lot of stuff since I've been home.
I don't sleep well at night. I lay in bed next to the best man. He loves me in spite of everything. I lay in bed thinking that I don't deserve him. Most nights I leave bed and go sit on the couch for hours reading. I try to keep my mind off of my job. If I think about it too much I throw up. I don't want to do this anymore. I hate it. I feel disgusting. I feel like less than a person. I feel like I don't deserve to sleep in the same bed as Jamie, or even have him touch me. He deserves better. He deserves a girl that is only seen by him, that is only touched by him.
It's a job, but I every time I walk in there and parade around in underwear, I feel like I'm cheating on him. He tells me that it's all an act. It is. It isn't me personally, but it's still my body. They still touch me.
I don't sleep well at night. I lay in bed next to the best man. He loves me in spite of everything. I lay in bed thinking that I don't deserve him. Most nights I leave bed and go sit on the couch for hours reading. I try to keep my mind off of my job. If I think about it too much I throw up. I don't want to do this anymore. I hate it. I feel disgusting. I feel like less than a person. I feel like I don't deserve to sleep in the same bed as Jamie, or even have him touch me. He deserves better. He deserves a girl that is only seen by him, that is only touched by him.
It's a job, but I every time I walk in there and parade around in underwear, I feel like I'm cheating on him. He tells me that it's all an act. It is. It isn't me personally, but it's still my body. They still touch me.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Time Off
I have taken some time off from writing. If you've read past posts you know that I had been planning a trip to London. Well I am back from London now.
I took time off from writing because while I was in London, Jamie and I did not talk about my work or his the entire time. I also adopted the not writing method as well. It was extremely nice not thinking about work for a whole twenty days.
Now I am back in the United States and I am facing the inevitable... I have to go back to work. I should be on my way there right now, however, I have decided to take another day off. I can't bring myself to go there right now. I want to hold on to a few more days of peace and quiet at home. I want to hold onto my vacation mind set for just a few more hours.
I'll be back into the crappy club on Monday. I'll write more later.
I took time off from writing because while I was in London, Jamie and I did not talk about my work or his the entire time. I also adopted the not writing method as well. It was extremely nice not thinking about work for a whole twenty days.
Now I am back in the United States and I am facing the inevitable... I have to go back to work. I should be on my way there right now, however, I have decided to take another day off. I can't bring myself to go there right now. I want to hold on to a few more days of peace and quiet at home. I want to hold onto my vacation mind set for just a few more hours.
I'll be back into the crappy club on Monday. I'll write more later.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Death
I am dying... Not literally. But I feel like it. This has been my schedule:
8:00 am: Wake up
9:00 am: Go to work
12:30 pm: Get off work and eat lunch
1:30 pm: Get ready for work
3:00 pm: Be at work
3:00 am-5:00 am: Get off work
4:00 am- 6:00 am: Go to bed
8:00 am: Repeat
It's terrible. I am working my butt off and getting very little sleep. And work has been so slow that I can't make money for the life of me. My regular isn't coming in this week. My days are the same every day that I can't distinguish one from the next. I need to make $4200 more in 9 days for London and it's just not working. It's not for the lack of effort. I'm here more than anyone else. (12-14 hour days, JUST at the club) I'm working harder than anyone else. The upside is that I am making more than anyone else, but it's not saying much when no one is making any money.
I feel like death because I am working so much and sleeping so little. To top it all off my shoes are broken and I REALLY need new ones, but I'm not making enough for bills let alone for new shoes. I just need two really good nights and everything would be okay. I keep hoping. If anyone is ready this, please put good thoughts out there for me. Because I leave for London in 12 days and I have to pay my bills and have money to eat while I am studying.
On the upside because I am working so much, I'm losing weight. I've gained a little bit since going on birth control again. It's been upsetting me, and all the exercise is helping me get into shape! Yay!!!
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Will It Get Better?
I need to be sad for a little while because my life is overwhelming right now. I realize my life is not terrible, but I feel like it right now. I am going to vent all of my frustrations and feelings. This doesn't happen often, but sometimes I need to. And the two friends I need right now are out of town.
First of all, and this is the most pressing, I have a heart condition and I'm going to London for two weeks this summer. How do these two relate? London costs a lot of money to go, and I need to make a lot of money. My heart condition has made me take almost four weeks off of work because it has been acting up. So, in order to pay all of my bills and go to London I need to make damn near $9,000 this month. That is soooo much money. I'm stressing out so much. London isn't just this fun trip either, I got into a translation program that could end up making my career. So, part of it is a vacation, but the reason why I'm going is for my education/future.
Second, Jamie dropped his phone, iPhone, last night and it broke. So that's $150 that we didn't have that we had to spend today. I'm not mad at him; I'm just mad that all I do is spend money and never get to put it towards savings, the trip, or things I want/need.
Third, Jamie forgot how much money he had and what bills needed to be paid. (Usually he is very, very good about this.) Anyways, I just found out today, that I need to come up with almost $500 to pay for rent by tomorrow. And I need to pay off the tires we bought six months ago. All of this is within the next three days. And I'm going to be out of town tomorrow. And I'm sick and having chest pain. And I'm just dying... Or at least I feel like I am.
Fourth, I'm not sleeping well at night because I keep dreaming about a time in my life that I would rather forget. A VERY long story short: I dated a guy from 17-19. I was very depressed and suicidal. He raped me for the full two years we were together. There are many, many, many reasons why I didn't leave him. Eventually I did. Because it was such a traumatic period of my life, I blocked a lot of specific incidents out of my mind. The last month or so, I have started remembering things in my dreams. It keeps me from sleeping well. It's hard because I don't really talk about anything specifically to anyone. My personality keeps me from confiding in people or talking to anyone about it. My good friends call me all the time because they need to talk about things going on in their lives. I love that they do this with me, but I've just realized that I've never done that. When I tell things that happen to me it's very non-specific and I drop it into conversations because I don't want it to be a "big" thing. Even though the things I need to talk about/should talk about are really big things. I know how to be a friend that is there, but I have a hard time letting my friends be there for me.
Fifth, I really hate my job. I cried all the way to work today. I'm angry that I have to be here. I'm angry that no one is here to pay me. I'm angry that I don't get to be a normal college student. My good friend Alexis, tells me that I need to go to work with the attitude of "this will make a great blog post." She tries to make it sound bearable, and she wants the best for me. And I love her for it, but it doesn't make it any easier to go to work. The blogging is cathartic, but quitting my job would be more so.
I was in tears walking on campus today talking to Jamie because of the stress from all the money I have to make. I don't know how or if I even can make enough. I'm not normally emotional and I seldom cry. But today I've been crying a lot. My heart condition is acting up and making it really hard for me to work. My life has been hard and difficult, and I just want it to be easy. I know my life is "better" than what it was, but it's not necessarily good. I have a wonderful boyfriend. I have super supportive friends. But I want to quit my job. I've been trying to have a social life at school. In order to have a social life I have to give up working, and I can't do that. I just want to be a normal college student. With normal problems. I want to be worried about finishing my paper. I don't want to have to worry about paying $2500 in bills every month. I want to go out and party (sans the drinking). I want life to get easier. I don't want it to be this hard. I just want my life to get easier.
First of all, and this is the most pressing, I have a heart condition and I'm going to London for two weeks this summer. How do these two relate? London costs a lot of money to go, and I need to make a lot of money. My heart condition has made me take almost four weeks off of work because it has been acting up. So, in order to pay all of my bills and go to London I need to make damn near $9,000 this month. That is soooo much money. I'm stressing out so much. London isn't just this fun trip either, I got into a translation program that could end up making my career. So, part of it is a vacation, but the reason why I'm going is for my education/future.
Second, Jamie dropped his phone, iPhone, last night and it broke. So that's $150 that we didn't have that we had to spend today. I'm not mad at him; I'm just mad that all I do is spend money and never get to put it towards savings, the trip, or things I want/need.
Third, Jamie forgot how much money he had and what bills needed to be paid. (Usually he is very, very good about this.) Anyways, I just found out today, that I need to come up with almost $500 to pay for rent by tomorrow. And I need to pay off the tires we bought six months ago. All of this is within the next three days. And I'm going to be out of town tomorrow. And I'm sick and having chest pain. And I'm just dying... Or at least I feel like I am.
Fourth, I'm not sleeping well at night because I keep dreaming about a time in my life that I would rather forget. A VERY long story short: I dated a guy from 17-19. I was very depressed and suicidal. He raped me for the full two years we were together. There are many, many, many reasons why I didn't leave him. Eventually I did. Because it was such a traumatic period of my life, I blocked a lot of specific incidents out of my mind. The last month or so, I have started remembering things in my dreams. It keeps me from sleeping well. It's hard because I don't really talk about anything specifically to anyone. My personality keeps me from confiding in people or talking to anyone about it. My good friends call me all the time because they need to talk about things going on in their lives. I love that they do this with me, but I've just realized that I've never done that. When I tell things that happen to me it's very non-specific and I drop it into conversations because I don't want it to be a "big" thing. Even though the things I need to talk about/should talk about are really big things. I know how to be a friend that is there, but I have a hard time letting my friends be there for me.
Fifth, I really hate my job. I cried all the way to work today. I'm angry that I have to be here. I'm angry that no one is here to pay me. I'm angry that I don't get to be a normal college student. My good friend Alexis, tells me that I need to go to work with the attitude of "this will make a great blog post." She tries to make it sound bearable, and she wants the best for me. And I love her for it, but it doesn't make it any easier to go to work. The blogging is cathartic, but quitting my job would be more so.
I was in tears walking on campus today talking to Jamie because of the stress from all the money I have to make. I don't know how or if I even can make enough. I'm not normally emotional and I seldom cry. But today I've been crying a lot. My heart condition is acting up and making it really hard for me to work. My life has been hard and difficult, and I just want it to be easy. I know my life is "better" than what it was, but it's not necessarily good. I have a wonderful boyfriend. I have super supportive friends. But I want to quit my job. I've been trying to have a social life at school. In order to have a social life I have to give up working, and I can't do that. I just want to be a normal college student. With normal problems. I want to be worried about finishing my paper. I don't want to have to worry about paying $2500 in bills every month. I want to go out and party (sans the drinking). I want life to get easier. I don't want it to be this hard. I just want my life to get easier.
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