Pieces

I feel like my life is falling to pieces.

A few days ago Jamie's best friend shot himself. I've known his friend for about a year and a half. We clicked the first time we met and had become pretty close friends. Jamie isn't talking to me about any of it. He would rather get drunk with his friends then deal with it with me. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I don't think getting drunk is the best response to this.

I feel like my relationship is crumbling. We haven't been doing great for the past several months, and with everything we're going through right now it is all coming out. Jamie and I have planned on marriage and kids for a long time. It's hard because he's the one that said forever. Now it turns out that he's not sure if that is going to happen. He still loves me, but he doesn't know if I'm his future. It turns out he started feeling this way awhile ago. He looks at me differently and acts differently around me. He's growing more and more distant, and I feel like I can't do anything about any of it. It all started when he stopped caring if I went to work or not.

It kills me. He doesn't care, and I do. Everyday I walk in there I cry. I lock myself in the bathroom and cry. It's hard not to. I would do anything to quit, but I know there isn't any way I can quit right now. Jamie thinks that if I'd never started I would never had to. No matter what, I would have had to make a lot of money a year, more than I could doing anything else.

I feel like everything is my fault and I know there is nothing I can possibly do. I just have to sit back and watch my life fall apart knowing there is nothing I can do to make it better.

More

I'm 21 years old. I look at some people today who are my age and I look at myself. They have accomplished so much in the same period of time and I feel like I have done nothing with my life. I'm going into my junior year in college and I strip to survive. There are people that have done so much with their lives and have followed their dreams, and I feel like I'm just getting by.

I have so many things I want to do. I've always wanted to achieve something. It feels like my life is done before it's even started.

I want something more out of life than normal. I want to be more than just an ex-stripper or a mom or a wife. I want my life to be more.

Death

I am dying... Not literally. But I feel like it. This has been my schedule: 

8:00 am: Wake up

9:00 am: Go to work

12:30 pm: Get off work and eat lunch 

1:30 pm: Get ready for work

3:00 pm: Be at work

3:00 am-5:00 am: Get off work

4:00 am- 6:00 am: Go to bed

8:00 am: Repeat

It's terrible. I am working my butt off and getting very little sleep. And work has been so slow that I can't make money for the life of me. My regular isn't coming in this week. My days are the same every day that I can't distinguish one from the next. I need to make $4200 more in 9 days for London and it's just not working. It's not for the lack of effort. I'm here more than anyone else. (12-14 hour days, JUST at the club) I'm working harder than anyone else. The upside is that I am making more than anyone else, but it's not saying much when no one is making any money. 

I feel like death because I am working so much and sleeping so little. To top it all off my shoes are broken and I REALLY need new ones, but I'm not making enough for bills let alone for new shoes. I just need two really good nights and everything would be okay. I keep hoping. If anyone is ready this, please put good thoughts out there for me. Because I leave for London in 12 days and I have to pay my bills and have money to eat while I am studying. 

On the upside because I am working so much, I'm losing weight. I've gained a little bit since going on birth control again. It's been upsetting me, and all the exercise is helping me get into shape! Yay!!!