Walking Masturbation Machine.

Private dances are my least favorite part of my job... Other than the men. There are MANY different kinds of private dances. My favorite are the dances are when we sit and talk. The next best thing is having a guy that wants me to dance for him, but doesn't want to touch me because he's uncomfortable with it. Next is the dances where there is touching, but the kind of touching that is soft and gentle (this doesn't bother me that much because they are good guys... generally). The next is a private dance where the guy is really rough. (Sometimes leaving bruises and even worse draws blood.) The absolute worst, however, is when the guy grabs me by the hips and makes me go forward to back on his crotch or bounce up and down. This is what I call the masturbator. These guys only come to the club so that they can get off.

That last kind of dance is the worst. There is nothing good about these guys. They make me feel like a walking masturbation machine. I already feel like crap about my job. Thank you for making it so much more obvious what I do, and what my "true" purpose in life is... as a woman.

Lucky

I try not to talk about Jamie a lot at work. I don't like mixing those two. It's hard to talk about work with him because he hates my job. I hate it too, but sometimes I need to talk about it. I hate talking about him at work especially to the men. When I do, it makes me feel more like a whore than usual.

I bring Jamie up for two reasons.
-The first reason is used far more often. I bring up Jamie to distance myself from the guy. They start getting touchy-feely in the creepy "I want to date you" kind of way. So I bring up Jamie and how we're very, very, very serious and completely and totally in love. I also make sure to tell them that no man will ever even come close to comparing. With the this the guy has one of two reactions. The first reaction is that the guy gets pissed off and wants me to leave him alone. Which I am more than happy to comply with his wishes. Or the second reaction is the more common and the one that pisses me off "Oh... Well you make sure to tell him I say he's a really lucky guy." Here's the reaction that goes through my head: "I'm not going to tell him that! How dumb are you? Telling him he's lucky that I'm awesome, from a guy that is paying me because I'm a stripper. Oh my God! You're a genius. That's totally what gets him going. Being reminded that I take my clothes off for money." Here's my real reaction: "Thanks." I get up and leave cause the guys a douche.
-Second reason is to bring myself closer to a guy. I the case of a regular there comes a conversation, farther down the line where they want to know about my personally life. In order for them to feel like they have my confidence and are truly getting to know "me" I tell them about Jamie. I make up fake problems that we. They feel like they can help me talk through them. This allows us to be "closer" and then I make more money. I hate talking about Jamie, but in this circumstance all they get is his name. They don't learn anything about him. They still tell me "he's lucky."

Lucky. He's lucky that I make a lot of money because I take my clothes off. He's lucky that other guys get to touch me. He's lucky that I flirt for a living. He's lucky that thousands of men have seen me naked. He's lucky that something so personal is there for any one to see if they pay the right price.

I don't know how he deals with it as well as he does. He's special. He can keep living and keep loving me even through this job. He is stronger than most. I'm going on my anniversary of working at the club. Jamie and I have been together almost a year and a half. I have been working for twice as long as we've been together. It's hard for me. I don't know how it's not killing him.

You know Jamie is a real lucky guy.

Naked

I just got out of class. I should have gone into work, but I ran into two of my good friends. I ended up sitting and talking to my friend MJ. We have two more days left of school. Tonight she has her performance art piece. For the piece she is naked and wrapped in cellophane and walks down the aisle. At the end of the aisle she breaks out of the cellophane and walks back out of the room naked.

My reaction was: That takes so much bravery. I could never do that. It's weird because I'm naked in front of hundreds of people that I don't know. She's doing it in front of people that know her, support her, and love her. I do it in front of complete strangers that only want to have sex with me. I can't get naked in front of people at school...

For me there is a huge separation between work and my life. In life I am never naked and a prude. I'm actually somewhat conservative with the way I dress. At work, I show everything off. I separate work and life so much that I have no idea how any one can get naked in front of people. The moment I walk into the club though, it's different. I can show it all off, and walk around in underwear.

I'm naked. I'm naked at the club literally. In life I'm emotionally naked. No one can tell because I hide it well. But I'm always on the brink of crying when things get hard. And if I'm honest... They are always hard. Being naked in front of a crowd is easier than being emotionally naked. I can bare showing my body. I can't bare showing my feelings. It's too open. It's too raw. It's me. I don't want people to know me. If they do, it's too difficult to keep up the facade.

I compartmentalize. I have to. There's work, and there's life. I talk about work often in life, but it's with a touch of humor. I don't think about work much because if I do it is too much to bare. At work I talk about life but I don't think about it. If I don't compartmentalize my life into two distinct sections I wouldn't be able to muddle through. Half the time I think that's what I'm doing. Just surviving.

Friends

So tomorrow I have to go to work. :( Oh well. I have to get used to it because I will be in the club six days a week next month... Yay!

Anyways, tomorrow will actually be a fun day at work because my three best friends are coming! None of them have been to the club before, so they are all excited, but a little nervous. Vera is the most torn. She's excited, but she also knows that I'm going to be using her to make some money. She's not sure what I will be doing with her. So it's fun for me because she's a little nervous. I'm going to make Alexis take a couple shots before we go, so then she will loosen up and have a bit more fun.

I'm looking forward to it. It won't be as lonely. They will also understand more clearly what my job actually is. And they will get to know who my "club" persona is. They haven't seen it, and it will be nice so I won't have to describe it.

I'll let you know how it goes! But YAY!!! I get to share this part of my life with my friends.

Boredom

I'm so bored and I have nothing to do right now, so I thought I would write a post. I was just thinking about a regular that hasn't crossed my mind in about six months.

I live and work in Iowa. I wouldn't think that Iowa would be a huge business destination, but I have a huge number of clients that are from out of state. I tend to do really well with this crowd. I like them best of all too because it's usually their first time in and they don't know the rules. This means that they won't touch me because they think they will get in trouble. They're also more likely to be lonely and more interested in my conversation. They also have more money, on average.

I met this regular last June. He came in two or three times a month for five months. He was from California. Most the time he stopped in when he was in town for work, but sometimes when he had nothing else to do and wanted company, he would fly to Iowa just to me.

There's a turning point with regulars. They can go one of two ways. The regular forms an attachment that is of the romantic sort. You need to cut these regulars because these are the ones that will turn into stalkers. They can also go the way of friendship. These are the ones that come into the club that want company and just to talk. They  no longer get dances. These are also the ones that you can convince to help pay your bills. We keep these regulars.

Anyways my regular from California started going way of stalker. I eventually had to tell him I no longer wanted to see him any more. Because he lived in California I was pretty safe of never seeing him again.

I don't know why I thought of him today, but I did.

21

I am preparing myself...

To turn 21.

I should be excited about this, but I don't know. This number holds so much weight in society. It's the "Congratulations you're finally an actual grown up" Birthday. For me it's just another day. I'm not huge on celebrating Birthdays, at least mine anyways. I love celebrating other peoples. My own just seems so over rated.

I've been planning my 21st birthday for almost fourteen years. I was seven and out to dinner with my family. Another table had ordered a bunch of umbrella drinks. My seven year old self was very much attracted to these umbrellas and wanted one of those drinks. My dad told me they were for grown ups and when I turned 21 I could have one. I asked him what it was called and he told me "Mai Tai." I told him "When I turn 21 we're going to have Mai Tai's together." My dad laughed and said he'd be there. Here I am the day before my 21st and I will be leaving to go home tomorrow morning. I'm going on a double date with my younger brother and his girlfriend for lunch. For dinner, almost fourteen years later, we are going back to that restaurant and my dad and I will each have a Mai Tai. I'll go back to school and probably do homework. I'm sure it's one of the more laid back 21st Birthday's, but it will be nice.

The other day I had been teasing Jamie that on the way back from my parent's house we should stop by the casino, that is on the way. That way I could get my first time gambling out of the way too. I was joking because I don't like wasting my money. He's taking me serious and we will be stopping on our way home.

Unlike Jamie, I will remember my 21st Birthday.

Minimum Wage

It's May and it's a really bad month to work... or be in need of money. It's finally warmed up outside, so everyone wants to be outside doing outdoorsy things. They don't come into the strip club.

Up until this month, my worst day ever had been when I made $60.00 in a six hour shift that is still ten dollars an hour. This month, I have left three times making less than $25. That's less than minimum wage. I get NAKED!!! I should be making far more money if I have to get naked.

People always think that strippers make lots of money. Most the time, I do make quite a bit of money. There are lots of days when I make minimum wage.

UGH!!!